A LIB reader shares how she struggled to deal with and get over sexual abuse which she suffered as a child from family and friends. Please read below...
I am living proof that anyone can turn things around. From a nadir of emotions in which I struggled with abuse and resentment, I have willed myself to focus on the strength I possess and the fact that I alone can determine how my life turns out.
My father was a business man, and my mother a full house wife. Her whole life was dedicated to taking care of us and protecting us and she was in fact overprotective of us because we were all girls. But I have now realized over the years that you cannot always be there for a child, and no one has control over an abuse.
My sexual abuse started when I was about six years old and on it went until I was about eleven, most of it coming from friends and family folks who were meant to have protected me. I never talked to anyone about it because right from childhood I was used to keeping things to myself and I was ashamed.
For a very long time I did not want to be alive because of my scars. I was always angry at everything and anyone who couldn't relate to the fact that I was angry at life even if I never did tell anyone anything. I had to struggle with pain, rejection, depression, hate, anger and unforgiveness.
The first 19 years of my life until my healing were the most challenging. I let my abuse mould me into someone I could never be proud of. It was a deep cut. It was easy to blame everything I was on my experience as a bitter person and give excuses for it. To an extent, my abuse was the reason to be the way I was; but I had a choice to either play by the rules and blame it on society or restart my life and start thinking differently.
After all my bad experiences and all the struggles I had going on in my life, I looked at my life and came to the conclusion that I was a total failure. I focused on my weaknesses. Even when I had the courage to do something, I often expected it not to turn out well, so I never tried. I had the mind of a failure, I had the attitude of a failure and so I failed at virtually everything.
THIS IS MY TESTIMONY
I found comfort in GOD'S LOVE & PEACE and I was consoled by HIS PROMISES for my life.
I started by forgiving myself. All my life since my healing I had made myself pay for someone else's mistake. I realised that true forgiveness comes from within - the ability to forgive myself enough for me and the abusers was enough for me to finally see the light.
I accepted myself and embraced my scars and fears. I couldn't change a thing about what had happened so I stopped worrying about it. I stopped seeing myself as the victim but as the MESSAGE. I had not the slightest idea of why those things had happened but knew it was part of God's plan for my life and I am thankful that he chose me to fight this fight.
I found myself; I strongly believed in myself and everything I stood for. I started focusing on my strength and gradually my life began to take a new turn. I set realistic goals for myself, discovered my purpose and followed my most intense obsessions mercilessly.
Getting over my abuse was a huge step but it was a stepping stone into getting over other issues in my life. My abuse had laid the foundation of strength and power. I am at a very good place in my life right now and there is no turning back.
I have a beautiful life - one I am proud of. Regardless of what I have been through, I will end up with the most amazing man, have wonderful children, build a great life and live happily ever after.
Message to the world:
If there is anyone out there still struggling with the trauma of sexual abuse,
I need you to take a deep breath,
Take all the time you need to heal,
Seek God desperately and find him,
And ultimately save yourself, you need you.
There is a promising, beautiful life waiting for you to come get it.
Halima Layeni.
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